What Losing Feels Like
by TheOceanBreathesSalty
Summary: And it takes her a while to realize that this curious hollowness in her chest, when she breathes, is what losing might feel like. She's always been so used to winning. Quinn-centric. Oneshot. Mentions of :Finchel: ::Puckleberry:: :::EvanBerry:::


_I was a little girl, alone in my little world, who dreamed of a little home for me  
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves  
And laughed in my pretty bed of green  
I had a dream  
That I could fly from the highest swing  
I had a dream  
Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park  
I asked God who I'm supposed to be  
The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie  
I sad a prayer and fell asleep  
I had a dream  
That I could fly from the highest tree  
I had a dream_

_**~Dream, Priscilla Ahn** _

* * *

**And it takes her a while to realize that this curious hollowness in her chest, when she breathes, is what losing might feel like. She's always been so used to winning.**

* * *

(q u i n n _pov_)

You've known Rachel Berry for approximately eleven years.

You've _hated_ Rachel Berry for approximately ten of those years.

She wasn't a bad person, not really. You remember that she wasn't all that popular in kindergarten, not like you were. It was probably just because she was really, really loud for such a tiny child or because she wasn't afraid of anything or anyone. Maybe it was because she had two dads and no mom. No matter the reason though, she only had a couple friends while you had the entire kindergarten class chasing after you and wanting to be your friend.

So you didn't hate Rachel Berry then, not yet.

Not when you were still better than her.

But then in first grade, your teacher announced that your class was going to put together a play. You auditioned for the main role and you were _sure_ that you were going to get it. After all, you were _Quinn Fabray_ and everybody loved you most so _of course_ you were going to get the part.

Except you didn't.

_Rachel Berry_ did.

That was when you started to hate her.

* * *

It started out as the smallest feeling of dislike, a smidgen of jealousy. Then your father yelled at you that night, said that Fabrays were _never_ second best and that he was ashamed. Your mother shook her head at you and drank some more wine, her hands shaky as she downed another glass of merlot.

And that small feeling grew.

All of a sudden, you _needed_ to be better than her. You needed to have more friends, to get better grades, to be more liked, more special, _more_. And each time you didn't win, each time she beat you, it became less about _you_ winning and more about _her_ losing.

You didn't care who was best in the class, as long as it wasn't her. You didn't care who was the teacher's favorite, who all the boys liked the most, who got the most attention, just as long as it wasn't _Rachel_.

So on the first day of second grade, when the cutest boy in class Noah Puckerman went to sit by her, you snarled some comment about her going to hell because of her disgusting fathers.

And when Noah, he wasn't Puck yet, changed course and sat down by you instead, you didn't feel even a little bit sorry. The next day, Brittany was about to sit down by her so you nodded to Santana and she smirked back at you. She didn't say anything about Rachel that day, just smiled prettily at Brittany and told her that they should be best friends.

Brittany walked past Rachel's table without a glance backwards.

The process was repeated until everyone was sitting with someone, until everybody was sitting with the person _you_ told him or her to.

And Rachel Berry was sitting all alone.

Noah and Finn sat together in the back, Santana and Brittany in front of them and Mike and Matt to their side. The rest of the students, the ones that you didn't care about, were arranged around the rest of the classroom with Rachel front and center.

The seat next to her was the only seat left open in class when you came to class on Friday. You walked by it, throwing a disdainful glance at her hopeful face and going to sit by Brittany and Santana. On your way, you make sure to throw a pretty smile at Finn and Noah, the smile turning practically angelic when you turn to face the teacher.

You smile sweeter than sugar at her and she just turns away, not saying anything about the fact that there was a table of three and a table of one in a classroom where there were only supposed to be tables of two.

Success burns through your veins, bright and golden.

Your innocent smile turns vindictive at the sight of the tears welling up in Rachel's eyes.

* * *

The majority of your childhood is spent tearing down Rachel. Or, at least, attempting to.

It seemed like no matter what you and Santana said, no matter what mean nicknames you came up with, no matter what Puck threw in her face, Rachel Berry simply would not break. She took it all without crying, never screamed or complained or retaliated.

All it did was make you more determined to see her _shatter_.

You're well aware that this makes you sound like a bitch. You know that spending your nights thinking up ways to make another girl cry makes you seem like a terrible person.

But, so what?

You're _popular_. You start dating Finn freshmen year and join the Cheerios with Santana and Brittany at your side. You make sure to pay Puck _just_ enough attention so that he continues to pant over you, even if he is hooking up with cougars and the freshmen on the Cheerio Squad. You take over the school, Finn faithful at your right side, Brittany and Santana on your left side and Puck trailing just a few steps behind.

Things are _perfect_.

And then Rachel _fucking_ Berry screws everything up again.

* * *

She had pretty much fallen off the radar, only noticed when Puck throws a slushy in her face or Santana shoves her into a locker and calls her Manhands. No one really knew that she even existed, and the only people that did hated her because you told them to.

But then Will Schuster takes over Glee Club.

And he makes Finn join and it ruins your life.

You notice that Finn is more and more distracted when he's with you and you _know_ without a doubt that he's thinking of _her_. The mere thought of loosing him to her makes you snarl and all of a sudden, your life once again revolves around Rachel. You go back to spending your free moments thinking up ways to destroy her, ways to separate her and Finn.

That's how you end up joining Glee. It doesn't matter that it's on the bottom of the high school food chain; all that matters is that you're about to lose Finn. A few well placed comments to Sylvester and you're auditioning, Santana and Brittany by your sides, as always.

If Rachel can sing, so can you.

And you can do it _better_.

But you join the club and notice Finn looking at her, even when he's holding hands with you. Even when you're singing, he's listening to her, paying attention to her, falling for _her_.

That's when you make the first in a very long line of mistakes.

* * *

This is how your life goes. You torture Rachel, date Finn, gossip with Santana, dance with Brittany, and string along Puck. You've been flirting with him for longer than you've been dating Finn, and it's all because of _freaking_ Rachel.

He was the first one to try and sit by her in class. The first one to notice her, the first to potentially like her. You _know_ people; it's how you get them to do what you want so easily.

And Noah Puckerman could've easily fallen for Rachel Berry.

They had much more in common that anyone else seemed to realize, their religions and their desire to succeed and their need to get out of Lima, Ohio. She was one of the only people that seemed to handle his innate Puckness, and he never seemed to mind all her crazy.

If you hadn't gotten involved, he might have fallen in love with her, become her protector.

And you couldn't let that happen.

So you led him on. You teased and flirted and looked at him out of the corner of your eyes. You made sure that you were the one girl he wanted, the one girl he couldn't have, because if he was focused on you, he wasn't focused on her.

Maybe that was your first mistake.

And that would make sleeping with him your second mistake.

* * *

You can blame it on the wine coolers all you want, the simple fact of the matter is that you wanted to prove that someone who could potentially love Rachel wanted you more. Finn was slowly but surely pulling away from you and moving towards her and no matter what you tried to do to stop it, it seemed inevitable.

You couldn't stop him from being intrigued by her, not anymore.

So you let Puck get you drunk and take your virginity on a hideous couch in Santana's basement. It hurt like hell and you let him think that was why you were sobbing so that you didn't have to tell him you were actually crying out of fear of losing to Rachel.

He passed out on top of you afterwards and you shoved him off none too gently, stumbling out of the house and vomiting in some of the bushes out front.

The next day at school, he doesn't glance Rachel's way once.

That warm thrum of victory slides through your veins again.

* * *

Then, you're _pregnant_ and you're life is over.

It's not going to matter what you do, you're not going to be able to remain on the Cheerio Squad and Finn is going to _eventually_ figure out that he's not the father. Santana won't want anything to do with you anymore and wherever Santana goes, Brittany follows. Puck will never leave you alone again and your parents will never speak to you again.

And you could have dealt with all of that.

You could have become better friends with the rest of Glee so that you weren't all alone, begged and pleaded until Finn forgave you and told Puck to go screw himself.

But Rachel Berry screwed everything up again.

She and Puck actually _dated_ and he chose Glee over football for her, even though Finn wouldn't do the same for you. And even though they broke up, he was irrevocable changed. He didn't tease her anymore, didn't slushy her and you caught him berating Karofsky once for daring to toss a cherry slushy in her face.

He _cared_ about her now, just like you always knew he would.

And then Finn found out about the baby, that he wasn't really the father. You didn't even have the chance to apologize, to beg for forgiveness, because he was already with Rachel. She comforted him and sang with him and made him smile again.

She even apologized to _you_.

And she was so goddamn perfect that you wanted to strangle her.

You would never be as good as Rachel Berry.

Hatred seeps through you, jealousy and rage quick to follow it.

You would best her.

_Somehow_.

* * *

"Quinn, I don't want to _date_ you anymore. Like, we can make out, and it's fun, but I don't think we should, like, tell people about it. Cool?"

"Seriously, Fabray? This shit ain't kosher. I'm not interested in you now 'cause you totally aren't knocked up with my demon spawn anymore. So, uh, back off."

"You _cheated_ on me. I don't want you to 'graciously take me back'. And I can hang out with whoever I want now, since we aren't dating you can't control me anymore."

* * *

Three sentences.

Three boys.

And all your ideas, all your carefully laid plans to _destroy_ Rachel Berry are _ruined_.

* * *

Finn doesn't want you back, even though the two of you could rule the school with an iron fist, even if you were in Glee. He still wants Rachel, still stares adoringly at her even though she cheated on him with Puck. He gives her that half-grin during practice and helps her with her original songs, even though the two of you are making out on a regular basis.

Puck calls her things like 'my little Jew Princess' and 'my fellow hot Jew' and talks to her all the time. You know he's the one who talked her into that party she had at her house, the one who talked her into getting wasted. He doesn't even bother to glance in your direction anymore, focusing all his attention on hitting on Rachel or trying to get Lauren to go out with him.

Even Sam leaves you for her. You aren't sure when they started talking, you assume it was when you and Finn missed two weeks of school because Santana gave you mono. The two of them sit next to each other in Glee and you caught them laughing with one another in the hallway. You know that he's with Santana now, but she's always going to want him to be cool, just like you did. Rachel will accept him for who he is.

Rachel freaking Berry.

She makes Finn want to be smarter, helps him to be more, to be a better person and stand up to the hockey jerks. She makes Puck a better guy, brings out his rarely seen slightly softer side. She allows Sam to be himself without telling him he's too nerdy, makes him believe that he's fine the way he is.

Even Brittany and Mercedes like her better now.

You're _alone_.

You stand in the back of the choir room and watch her laugh with Sam and Finn in the front row, Puck glancing at her from his place by Lauren and Mercedes smiling at her from her seat next to Tina.

There's this terrible _emptiness_ in your chest, something that you haven't felt since Rachel Berry beat you out for the lead role in that play in first grade.

You think it's what losing feels like.

The bitterness and hatred run through your veins the same way the smug satisfaction used to, causing that hollow feeling in your chest to grow.

You've lost.

And it wouldn't even matter that much if it wasn't because of _her_.

* * *

Soo. Sorry if this made Quinn sound like a bitch, but, uhm, I kind of think she is one.

I don't own Glee or Dream, by Priscilla Ahn.

I'm working on Rolling in the Deep, it may be a few days though because I'm going on vacation tomorrow (and totally missing Original Songs. I'm tivo-ing it. I hope it's amazing as it looks).

Anyways, please review, my dears? As always, thanks for reading.


End file.
